Welcome, if you dare, to the first ever Team Fortress Haunted Halloween Special! Five new update-specific achievements will unlock the Mildly Disturbing Halloween Hats—moldering, eldritch veils of such manifold depravity, the human eye will not process the sheer enormity of their malevolence, and out of self-preservation will merely show you paper bags with faces on them. These faces are still moderately scary, though, so brace yourselves for mild terror! [sound of bat wings]
Right now you’re doubtlessly thinking, “Please, Team Fortress, stop scaring me!” Okay, we’ll stop righhhhhht … [sound of a skeleton] Ha ha! The scaring will continue! Prepare yourself for a new KOTH map called Harvest—created by Sean “Heyo” Cutino, crammed to bursting with horror by us, and LOOK OUT DRACULA IS BEHIND YOU! [sound of a creaking door] Ha ha ha! If you scare that easily, this map will kill you.
Our legal department tells us we can’t mention this next horrifying feature, because someone read it and got so scared we got in trouble! The entire TF2 team has to go to sensitivity training now because we inadvertently created such a scary work environment. So rest easy, we promise to stop scaring you… right after we ignore our lawyers and tell you about the ghost haunting the Harvest map! [sound of a wolf] That’s right! The restless spirit of Zepheniah Mann will scare senseless any player unlucky enough to cross his spectral path, rendering them temporarily helpless with fear!
There are also pumpkins! That might not sound very scary initially, but get this: they explode! Most terrifying of all, the mangled corpses of the recently deceased will plague the living… with candy! MWAHAHAHAHA! In retrospect we should have put this stuff in the middle and ended with the ghost.
Enjoy the update… if you dare! [sound of reading the name on a tombstone, and oh my god it’s YOURS]